My Year 2009

2009 IS ALMOST OVER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

stayed single almost the whole year?
- Yes, for the whole year, can I change this situation? Not that I'm greedy, haha

kissed someone new?
- No one who I can remember of

done something you've regretted?
- I...think...so...but, it must be not that bad, cause I can't remember

lost someone?
- Fortunately, I do not think so

Cut class?
- No, no, no. But I was accused of doing so once, ggrrr

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
- Yup, it is not in my power to mention in here, it is not safe!

Visited a different country?
- My regrets, no

cooked a gross meal?
- Nay~

lost something important to you?
- It is my pleasure to say no

got a gift you adore?
- Yes, I adore my strawberry ice cream

tripped over a coffee table?
- I believe that I am not called Isabella Swan

dyed your hair?
- My wishes is that it will be blue by next July

came close to losing your life?
- I am not that unfortunate

went to a party?
- I would not condemn myself to a situation where I will be as still as a rock

read a great book?
- I read many pleasant books, Pride and Prejudice, The Joy Luck Club, The Bonesetter's Daughter, Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie

saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
- I was lucky enough to have a holiday when Leehom went to Malaysia to hold his Music-Man concert

2009: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
- New students, new friends

Did you dislike anyone?
- I still have the habit of doing so

Did you grow apart from anyone?
- I did, apparently, but many friendships are also stronger now

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
- No, I'm perfectly contented

2009: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
- I wonder why I never remember a thing about my birthday

Did you have a party?
- Although my memory is loss, the answer is "Nay"

Did you get any presents?
- I had a perfect portrait drawn by Lucie!

2009: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
- People change constantly

Did you change your style?
- I am still me

Were you in school?
- Of course

Did you get good grades?
- I did well on the 1st half, report cards on second half will be received next year

Did you have a job?
- I did not have the pleasure of changing my occupation as a student

Did you own a car?
- I was not able to learn to drive although I am now seventeen

Did anyone close to you give birth?
- No

Did you move at all?
- I moved from My Phu to My Phuc

Did you go on any vacations?
- I went to Cu Chi Tunnel and Malaysia (??!!)

.Would you change anything about yourself now?
- Same as my last year's wish

2009 WRAP UP.

Was 2009 a good year?
- It was a good year, I'm sure there are some down parts, but I can't remember any, so they can't be that bad.

(x) stayed single for the whole year
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
( ) had your heart broken
( ) mooned someone (What is "mooned"?)
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
(x) came out of the closet (I broke it!)
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) done something you've regretted

OTHER

( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem (I wrote loads!)
( ) ran a mile (I walked a few miles, does that count?)
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
( ) posted a blog on MySpace
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) lied about how old you were
( ) prank called someone

In 2009 I...

[x] broke a promise
[ ] fell out of love (Maybe I did the opposite)
[x] a little white lie or a joke.
[x] lied
[ ] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[ ] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[ ] sat home all day doing nothing
[ ] pretended to be sick
[x] left the country
[ ]almost died
[ ]given up on something/someone important to you
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[ ] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[ ] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[ ] had a high cell phone bill
[ ] spent most of your money on food/clothes
[x] had a fist fight
[ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
[x] gotten sick
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same

This year was FAST, really fast. My true friends who I discovered last year are still my friends, I'm happy to say. Some friends I became better acquainted with them, and I'm really grateful and happy about that. I knew that I understood myself better this year. Most excitingly, I found someone to like, adore and admire! Haha.

Happy New Year!

寻找自己 · 失去自己

The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan

I just finished The Joy Luck Club last Thursday, and just like The Bonesetter's Daughter, it failed to give me the satisfaction of reading it. I'm not saying that both are not good books, in fact, both were very powerful in touching my heart. I had a lot to think during and after reading them, but I was lost.

Yet, I have one point that I was clear of and want it to be talked about here, thanks to Joseph and Kim.

The Joy Luck Club's author, Amy Tan, is a Chinese who lives in the United States. The book mainly circled around Chinese mothers who went to the US. Their children were American born, thus, could speak Chinese but couldn't read Chinese characters. Their first language was, of course, English.

I was chatting with Joseph the other day, and he told me that his first language was Chinese. I was surprised, although I wasn't sure why I was at that moment, as he was Taiwanese. Isn't it just the most normal thing ever for a Taiwanese to have Chinese as his first language? I realized later that I was surprised because, after living overseas for one a half years, I have seen students speaking less of their mother tongue, acting more Western-like, most importantly, losing their culture and their true self. I then seized the opportunity to ask Joseph how he was able to maintain Chinese as his first language. He told me that he went to the Taipei School every Saturday for Chinese class.

I was in awe. I knew that Joseph came to Vietnam at 2nd grade, which was about NINE years ago. But he was able to, and succeeded in maintaining his mother tongue. I have come to this country only for 18 months, already I have felt that I was slowly losing my primary language. Lack of speaking, lack of reading and lack of writing. Look at this blog, ninety percent of it is written in English. Would I be able to write in Chinese again? The flow is long gone. I admire Joseph.

Last Friday, I had the opportunity to sit in the same cab with Kim from district 5 back to district 7. It was a little awkward at first, as I wasn't very acquainted with Kim. But, of course, we couldn't let silence continue, so we talked. Maybe I was comfortable talking to Kim, so I told him about my feelings after reading The Joy Luck Club.

Kim told me, that because he was half Australian and half Vietnamese, when he was small, he wasn't accepted in neither culture because he was a Half, a Mixed. In addition, at that moment he disliked the Viet side of him, so he focused on his learning of English and French. Now, he only learned to acknowledge this side of his Vietnamese blood, and to love the Vietnamese culture.

That night, I set a rule to my family - to speak Chinese only. My sister and brother was very disagreeable in that matter. My purpose was in hope to improve their speaking in Chinese. However, the result was shocking, at least, for me. My brother lost his ability to express his ideas, he wasn't able to convey his ideas in Chinese. Looking at him, he was pulling his hair at both sides, begging me to change this rule. He wanted to speak in Chinese. My sister's condition, was not as bad, but she also had slight difficulty.

How pathetic! How this could be?! We were only here for 18 months - is that so long compared to Joseph's 9 years? A Chinese unable to speak in Chinese, how absurd that idea is to me. I refuse that to be the future of myself.

寻找自己或失去自己。That, is for us to choose.

Descriptive Writing - Nasi Lemak

Right now, would be the moment of heaven if I have a packet of Nasi Lemak in front of me. Heart pounding against my chest, intestines twisting, electricity going through body, palms getting sweaty, waiting for the moment to open the wretched packet.

Even with the packet sealed, as I put my hands on the packet, I could feel the warmth of the coconut rice, my saliva started flowing like a vampire's venom flooding its mouth after smelling the scent of warm, wet blood.

Yum...bless the Malays for inventing such food that does not deserve to exist on the earth. Lifting my trembling right hand, I pulled the seal away, revealing the mysterious, fragrant meal that attracted the hungry monkey. Taking a deep breath, trying to sniff the vapor released from the packet.

Hmm...the scent of coconut, spice, cucumber, nuts, anchovies probing against my fatty tummy. I couldn't stand it anymore. As quick as lightning, I used the silverware to scoop a spoonful of coconut rice and shoved the rice eagerly into the awaiting mouth.

No, don't munch yet! Let the fragrance of coconut diffuse into the space, waiting for the scent to achieve the state of equilibrium.

p/s: This was written ages ago, probably during October. Are you hungry?

Losing Friendships

I think what I have lost most in my seventeen years of life are friendships. Not that because my friends died or I "broke up" with them. We didn't argue and became "not friends" - I rarely argue and fight with my friends. Or more accurately, my friends never wanted to argue or fight with me. I don't know why, people fight, but never with me. A friend of mine said that that's because people respected me.

Anyway, so the friendships that I've lost were neither lost because they died nor broken up, then how were they lost? Well, they just slipped out of my hands, and there's nothing I can do to pull them back.

Funny how, at that moment, you'll think that you love your friend so dearly, that you would do almost everything for her. Be a 24/7 friend, always there when she needs you, give her and embrace when she needs a place to hide and cuddle, give her a shoulder to cry her tears our. It sounds like parent, but you'll never believe the overwhelming satisfaction of being depended by someone.

Then, because something, something out of your hands, something that you couldn't change happens. You are forced to be apart, you vowed that you'll remember her forever. Yes, after months, or maybe years, you still remember her, but the deep satisfaction is long gone. You are no longer a drug of hers.

The friendship has slipped away. You never noticed the slow movement if it creeping away from your fingers. When you realized that it's gone, oddly enough, there's not much grief. It's gone, and you can smile and say, "At least I have had you."

p/s: This was actually written at November 30th, 2009. It's extremely raw and unedited. I wrote this in my Writing Development for 10 minutes non-stop. Hope you enjoy!

空洞

This is NOT how I should feel right now.

No.

But I do feel so.

I need to do something.

I actually do have several things to complete,

various things to keep me busy.

But I can't stop this feeling from clouding myself.

This always happens after a few days exam.

Basically my winter break is already here.

I don't need to go to school tomorrow because I have already finished my exams today.

I know that one of the reason that I'm lost is because of one particular person.

I don't like how my mood is controlled by him.

He's not even controlling it on purpose,

he doesn't even know that he has the power to control me!

Come,

I wish tomorrow evening was here,

so that I would meet you at the airport.

Then I would be fine, once again.

Come.

How Does It?

How does it feel to just see?

How does it feel to just talk?

How does it feel to just listen?

How does it feel to not touch?

How does it feel to not hold?

How does it feel to not have?

Sometimes,

I feel sad.

Sometimes,

I feel happy.

Sometimes,

I feel satisfied.

But most of the time,

I feel aching,

I feel longing,

I feel yearning.

p/s: Stupid seventeen.

Present and Future

An essay that was required to write in my Writing Development class.

It's only read by Writing teacher, so it's raw, have not been edited by anyone.

Passport name Tan Wei Syn, born on September 18, 1992, race is Chinese and nationality is Malaysia. That’s me. By knowing this information, you don’t really know who I am. You won’t recognize me when I’m standing in front of you. Would you recognize me I provide you descriptions of my physical appearance? 157 cm tall, straight, shoulder length, black hair that is usually tied up in a pony tail, a pair of single-layer eyes wearing a pair of blood red and black glasses; a mouth that is about the same width as the nose, fingers that are unusually shaped sharply, and a body that is coated with a few layers of unwanted fat. Even provided with these descriptions, do you dare to say that you know me thoroughly? Of course not, because you don’t know what kind a person I am. In my opinion, to know what kind a person is cannot be done in a short period of time. The process of knowing a person takes years, even the person may not even understand himself. Another factor that makes the course of understanding a person difficult is that a person changes as time goes by.

If I were to describe my current self to another person, I would describe myself in different situations and conditions. For instance, I do not have many friends that I hang out with during the weekends; I have a few friends that I develop close relationships with and talk about our secrets and difficulties. In a party, I do not dance on the dance floor under the spot light; I tend to be more attracted to the food, sofas, and walls. People from different fields (teachers, students, and friends) that know me only know a partial of my personality, as I am not Atticus Finch, who is the same no matter he is inside or outside his house. I do not reveal my true self to everyone I know; I change accordingly to the person I am facing at that moment. In addition, I hate sports. In fact, I am afraid of sports, Physical Education is my worst subject. Physical stuff gives me so much pressure that I fear of being part of a team because I don’t want my teammates to lose just because I’m physically uncoordinated. When it comes to showing emotions, I prefer not to show my negative emotions – such as anger and sadness – to the public at all times. I think that showing emotions to the public is absolutely unnecessary, and it doesn’t really help to solve the problems that cause those negative emotions. I tend to like talking to people who are older than me, because they seem to be more matured. When I’m talking to the elders, I feel like I’m learning something new.

However, one can never be satisfied with herself. There is always something that we want, an element that we do not have in ourselves. I want to become a person that can socialize. I dislike standing against the walls in a party and being the stiff rock in the corner during a gathering. Silence and the atmosphere of awkwardness surround me when I am in a big group; I feel that I have nothing to do, nothing to say. Being the attention of the party is not something that I have ever wanted, but at least I want to enjoy myself and not sitting there drinking my lemon juice.

When something terrible happens, have you ever felt that your chest is squashing your heart, that you have to do something to make the disastrous feeling go away? Usually, I listen to music, write or cry. When I listen to music, I listen to rock ballads such as Miley Cyrus’ The Climb. I turn up the volume until I can’t even hear myself singing. Sometimes I write, mostly on paper with a pencil, because that’s the fastest way to release my sadness or anger. Mostly I cry, in my room, or in the bathroom. I cry my heart out, trying to release the clutching in my chest.

Despite the coping skills that I usually use, I wish that in the future, I can just talk to the person that’s causing my difficulties (if it’s caused by a person), so that the person will understand my feelings and may not cause me any bad feelings again. I wish I can use music or reading more to cope with difficulties or issues, instead of crying about it and put in back somewhere in my mind. The ability to handle stress is also something that I can improve on, so that I will have less difficult events or issues.

If I was given the chance to speak when the whole world would be listening to me, I would say, “Be responsible.” I usually become angry when people do not take their responsibilities seriously. To me, being responsible is extremely important, because you do not only affect yourself, but sometimes also the people around you. You should not depend on people talking up your responsibility when others realized that you are not going to do what you are supposed to do. There is not always a person who will be there and say, “Oh, she didn’t do it. I guess I have to help her do it then.” No! Do not think that someone will do your jobs for you; you are responsible with your own jobs, and you will finish your jobs with the best you can. If you are asked to do something and you think that you can’t finish is on time, do not accept the assignment. If you accept the responsibility, you must finish the assignment on time.

When I grow up, I want to work in the hospitality industry. I want to be a person that can help and satisfy people’s needs, or even make them happy, because I want to be a useful person. In addition, I like food and meeting new people every day, so working in a hotel or as an event manager satisfy my desires. I dislike sitting in an office doing the same routine and seeing the same people every day, but in hospitality management, there’s excitement going on every day. It’s like living in the wizarding world of Harry Potter. I’ll never know what happens the following day because I am working with hundreds of people every day. The hundreds of people change frequently too. I have to seek and serve the needs of these people from different places all over the world, different culture, background and places. Since I speak Chinese and English fluently, and I’m currently learning Spanish, I believe that the languages that I speak will be my useful asset if I work in the hospitality industry.

Furthermore, I love experiencing new stuff and accept challenges; you will get that in other jobs too, but probably not as much in hospitality management. Helping people and making people happy makes me happy, because I want to be a useful person whom people needs. Working in the hospitality industry is as if I am working globally, in the world, except that I don’t have to travel all over the world to learn about different people from different cultures, they come to me.

After all, what I want to be certainly will help me in my socializing skills, which is something that I wish to improve to myself a better person. I believe that my future is in my hands, I have the ability the shape my future just like a potter making a vase that will be filled with the most beautiful carnations found on earth. By understanding myself, knowing what I should improve on and living by my motto, I have faith that my future will be as bright as a sunny sky.

The conclusion of this essay is cheesy, I know.

I feel embarrassed about it too.

Conclusions are always my weakest part in an essay, sorry!

Can You?

Can you see?

A thoughtful baboon sitting alone, wondering

where is everyone?

Can you hear?

Japan a fierce ocean; with

endless noise or sound?

One pulls your hands to cover your sensitive ears,

one a blanket to cover you to dreamless sleep.

You can’t see-

as the darkness of eclipse, smothering the world;

as time never stops, as time goes by.

The touch lingers at your fingertips

as you fail to grasp it.

Can you see?

Countless civilizations unheard of,

united in colors, singing and dancing,

speaking and acting unexpectedly,

catching you by surprise.

A poem written by me after watching a movie called Baraka.

I chose to post this poem because of its title, "Can You?".

I have not had a visitor from Malaysia since last year's December.

Finally, Xiao Gugu and her family are coming.

Gong and Po are supposed to come, but because of the accident in October, they are being replaced by two of my favorite cousins, Zmin and Chyn.

I've been asking silent "Can you come to Vietnam?" several times, and finally coming!

It's not confirmed yet, though.

Because they have to make a passport and ticket names need to be changed.

I sincerely hope that everything goes well.

Please, dear Jesus.