Pieces of my homework 2

What is jealousy? According to Wikipedia, “jealousy typically refers to the negative or angry thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of insecurity, fear, and anxiety that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival, or when another person is perceived to have some type of advantage. Jealousy often contains a mixture of emotions, such as anger, sadness, disgust, which are focused by passion or anger”. Jealousy is an emotion that I have been experiencing for years. Anger, pain, loneliness, disgust, love and hate are the feelings that exist at the same time when I am jealous.

Jealousy is loving and hating a person at the same time. I love my brother more than I love my sister, which I think is because of the connection between male and female. But my brother, being a boy and the youngest in the family, is also the reason sometimes I find myself hating and loving him at the same time. Born in a Chinese family, my brother is the only grandson, so he is the only one who can continue our family’s last name. For this reason, of course, he gets the love from everyone, especially the adults. I always say to my relatives that my brother acts like an angel in front of them but a devil in front of me and my sister. He likes to beat us and we beat him too. But he is smaller in size so he beats us with all his might, which is very painful. On the other hand, we don’t really hit him because our strength may hurt him. In the end, he always complains first although we get more pain than him. This makes me have the feeling of hate inside me. In spite of this, I love my brother very, very much as he is my brother and we have the same blood flowing through our body.

Jealousy is being angry at the person who is being biased towards me and another person. Since I started to have the feelings of jealousy towards my brother, I have a habit of observing how my mum treats me and my brother. I compare the way my mother will solve the problem that I made when I was nine and now when my brother does something wrong. When I was nine, if I didn’t drink my water, I would be scolded very badly. My mum would also lock me outside the house with my bottle and order me to finish my water. There was once I was locked out during lunch time and that day, my lunch was a bottle of water. So now, I will always look and wait to see how my mother will treat him if he doesn’t drink his water. I always expect some fair and just actions, but matters don’t always occur as I expected them to. I found out that my mum normally just keeps quiet and turns a blind eye towards my brother’s actions. If my brother doesn’t drink his water, my mum will just ASK him to drink his water. I know it’s because after scolding children for years she gets tired and doesn’t want to bother us and she thinks that I can handle the issue myself but she doesn’t understand that my brother doesn’t listen to what I say because he isn’t afraid of me. I can’t help being angry remembering how I was being punished when I was small and she chose not to scold my brother but scold me if I did something wrong. My mum always tells me not to compare myself with my brother but the main point that I am angry about is she lets him behave badly when he wants to.

Jealousy is pain and loneliness. After I have been hurt, I can feel that my heart is so painful, as if it has been crumpled together. It is so painful, that I have to put my hand over my chest to rub it, hoping the pain will go. I was shocked at the pain at the first time. I thought that I was having a heart attack. There was sadness in my heart. I couldn’t stop the tears dripping down from my eyes. Due to my pride, I couldn’t bear to cry in front of anyone, especially my mother. However, I find myself being contradictory. Although I couldn’t bear to cry in front of anyone, I wanted to be found crying and being comforted but that never happen. I feel that I am always alone; there was always only myself to tidy up my emotions and then continue my life again.

I try to be a good person, because I believe that being good maintains the peace among people. I do not want to be a person who is jealous. In my consciousness, jealousy is a negative emotion, so a person who is experiencing jealousy is not a good person. Sometimes, I feel disgusted at my self, wondering how could I be such a bad person although I know about the morality of humans. It was like wanting to have a white, clean paper but there is always dirt on the paper that I could never rub off. I don’t want to have jealousy in me, but sometimes I just couldn’t control myself being jealous at another person. I want to stop myself, to rub away the badness in me. Today, I still have not succeeded in doing so. Determination and a high emotion quotient are what I need to stop being jealous so that I won’t be disgusted at myself anymore.

I believe that jealousy exists in every person, it is only just the matter of seriousness and how one can control it. Sometimes jealousy is brought by one’s self and sometimes jealousy is brought to one by other’s attitudes. I hope that I will never be the one who brings jealousy to another person because it is suffering to experience jealousy.Observe the people around you and see if you are having any biased actions towards someone out of your consciousness. May people be thoroughly peaceful one day.