寻找自己 · 失去自己

The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan

I just finished The Joy Luck Club last Thursday, and just like The Bonesetter's Daughter, it failed to give me the satisfaction of reading it. I'm not saying that both are not good books, in fact, both were very powerful in touching my heart. I had a lot to think during and after reading them, but I was lost.

Yet, I have one point that I was clear of and want it to be talked about here, thanks to Joseph and Kim.

The Joy Luck Club's author, Amy Tan, is a Chinese who lives in the United States. The book mainly circled around Chinese mothers who went to the US. Their children were American born, thus, could speak Chinese but couldn't read Chinese characters. Their first language was, of course, English.

I was chatting with Joseph the other day, and he told me that his first language was Chinese. I was surprised, although I wasn't sure why I was at that moment, as he was Taiwanese. Isn't it just the most normal thing ever for a Taiwanese to have Chinese as his first language? I realized later that I was surprised because, after living overseas for one a half years, I have seen students speaking less of their mother tongue, acting more Western-like, most importantly, losing their culture and their true self. I then seized the opportunity to ask Joseph how he was able to maintain Chinese as his first language. He told me that he went to the Taipei School every Saturday for Chinese class.

I was in awe. I knew that Joseph came to Vietnam at 2nd grade, which was about NINE years ago. But he was able to, and succeeded in maintaining his mother tongue. I have come to this country only for 18 months, already I have felt that I was slowly losing my primary language. Lack of speaking, lack of reading and lack of writing. Look at this blog, ninety percent of it is written in English. Would I be able to write in Chinese again? The flow is long gone. I admire Joseph.

Last Friday, I had the opportunity to sit in the same cab with Kim from district 5 back to district 7. It was a little awkward at first, as I wasn't very acquainted with Kim. But, of course, we couldn't let silence continue, so we talked. Maybe I was comfortable talking to Kim, so I told him about my feelings after reading The Joy Luck Club.

Kim told me, that because he was half Australian and half Vietnamese, when he was small, he wasn't accepted in neither culture because he was a Half, a Mixed. In addition, at that moment he disliked the Viet side of him, so he focused on his learning of English and French. Now, he only learned to acknowledge this side of his Vietnamese blood, and to love the Vietnamese culture.

That night, I set a rule to my family - to speak Chinese only. My sister and brother was very disagreeable in that matter. My purpose was in hope to improve their speaking in Chinese. However, the result was shocking, at least, for me. My brother lost his ability to express his ideas, he wasn't able to convey his ideas in Chinese. Looking at him, he was pulling his hair at both sides, begging me to change this rule. He wanted to speak in Chinese. My sister's condition, was not as bad, but she also had slight difficulty.

How pathetic! How this could be?! We were only here for 18 months - is that so long compared to Joseph's 9 years? A Chinese unable to speak in Chinese, how absurd that idea is to me. I refuse that to be the future of myself.

寻找自己或失去自己。That, is for us to choose.